-------------------------------------------------------------
NAKED TRUTH
-------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of people have written in to tell me that they have noticed a dramatic
improvement in the overall quality of service in restaurants across the
country since my article about waiters was published several weeks back. I
decided that as a humanitarian if I could help with that problem, I owed it
America to take on an even more important issue: bad strippers.
Ladies, I am your dream client. I spend enormous sums of money on lap
dances; I trim my nails before I start groping; and I have generally
showered in the last week. Now admittedly, some strippers find it
disconcerting after successfully waking the giant in my pants, that they are
suddenly scraping their heads on the ceiling. But this is a minor
inconvenience. So here are some quick dos and don'ts.
Do: Warm up that ass. There's no quicker way to ruin the mood than when
you grind on my lap with what is essentially a well shaped block of ice.
Do: Wash off that glitter already. Nobody cares if your body is sparkling,
anymore than we care about your sparkling personality. The stench of your
perfume can be explained away by that queer guy in the carpool with all of
the gel in his hair: but a lap full of glitter is a different story.
Do: Check those implants regularly. Silicone implants have a tendency to
harden after a while, and when you repeatedly whack a person in the head
with those cement melons it can lead to Parkinson's disease. Just like it
did for Michael J. Fox.
Do: Take the night off if you're bleeding. A g-string is good. A tampon
string...not so much.
Do not: Add an additional charge for the hand job. When you get a lap
dance from a reputable stripper, it's understood that a hand job is
included. There should not be an additional charge for this. I went
through the trouble of cutting the lining out of my pockets, it's really the
least you can do. Putting your knee in my crotch is not the answer. It is
as a direct result of years of women kneeing me in the crotch that I have
ended up at the strip club in the first place.
But I am a reasonable man. If someone wants to shit on your head, that
should be extra. If they want to stick their foot up your ass, this should
also cost more, even if they remove their shoes.
Do not: Talk about your boyfriend, your five kids, or your irritable bowel
syndrome. These subjects are not sexy. If you can't tell me about the
tickle fight in the dressing room, you should probably just stick to the
fake moaning.
Do not: Get any more bad tattoos or unnecessary piercings. Your
cunt shouldn't look like a pincushion, and that crude tiger doesn't
hide the track marks on your arm any more than that crooked
tribal hides those stretch marks across your ass.
Male strippers don't have any hang ups. They let those horny,
middle aged women do whatever they want. They fuck those old
cows in the middle of the stage and spray their spunk into the crowd
like human firehoses. I actually worked as a male stripper briefly
but the other male strippers were too intimidated. (and not solely
by my ability to bust a move.)
I hope this article has been helpful to all of you strippers. I know
your job can be a grind, and it should be. I'm just happy that I
can help. That's what I'm all about: helping people.
